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This past week the Citrus Singers received their biggest cheer ever from Hockey fans in Orlando. (Love the Boy Scout who somehow snuck into the photo.)
EDITING EXAMPLES
When I finished Making Magic With Words, a compilation of ten years of posts on Writing and Editing, I swore that was it. I might do an occasional post on those topics, but no more "itty-bitty nitty-gritty." BUT . . .
The problem is, as I read over my recent post, "Why I Love Editing," it occurred to me that there are still beginners out there, so new to the art of writing that they need a bit more detail to nudge them along. I could almost hear a wail of, "What does she mean by 'add color'?" So . . . this post is strictly for newbies - or for those who are only thinking about writing something for publication. (Unless authors who have fought a round or two want to read along, nodding their heads as they go.)
FYI, "adding color" simply means making what you wrote more vivid, making your words catch a reader's attention, instead of being same-old, same-old.
"Editing Examples" will be in two parts.
Part I: the Simple Fixes.
1. warm bread became melt-in-your-mouth bread
2. Miss Coleraine, eager for her new friend to enjoy became Miss Coleraine, beset by a mischievous desire for her new friend to enjoy . . .
3. Well . . . perhaps with a male escort by her side became Well, perhaps with a male escort by her side, she would not be so squeamish.
Tightening while adding Clarification & a Plot Hint:
4. The stone wall, invisible from the Crescent, allowed an unobstructed view of Bath, while preventing any cows or sheep that might have been allowed to graze upon the grass from wandering into the path of Bath's most illustrious citizens.
The stone wall, four or five feet high and invisible from the Crescent, allowed an unobstructed view of Bath, while preventing cows or sheep from wandering into the path of Bath's most illustrious citizens. A remarkable invention, the ha-ha. Unless one did not closely watch where the walkway abruptly ended, resulting in a plunge to the close-scythed grass below.
Juxtaposition:
5. Isabelle peeked out as they crossed Pulteney Bridge . . . became As they crossed Pulteney Bridge, Isabelle peeked out . . .
Transition Problem:
6. Thus saving her from any lingering thoughts of Jared, Lord Ashton. [too abrupt end of scene]
Thus distracting her from all-too-frequent thoughts of Jared, Lord Ashton. Thoughts she banished the moment they popped into her mind. Ashton might have the face and figure of a prince straight out of a fairytale but, in truth, he was the Beast, not the Hero.
You are forgetting how the fairytale ends.
Isabelle grimaced. Ashton was in London—where he could stay forever and ever. Beast, indeed!
Grace note: The above addition to "smoothe out" the transition from one scene to the next will undoubtedly be edited several times again, but hopefully this version will serve as a warning not to end a scene so abruptly that your readers are saying, "Huh?" instead of eagerly moving on to see what happens in the next scene.
Other Simple Fixes:
7. A simple "Yes?" became "Yes?" Isabelle urged when Ashton paused. [Adding a tag added to the clarity of the dialogue.]
8. Yet another death white-washed of any hint of violence remained the same but only after I checked the Oxford English Dictionary to see if the expression was used in the Regency. And yes, it is far older than Regency England.]
9. . . . directly beside the hot springs that had made Bath famous became directly beside the hot springs that spawned a city on the banks of the Avon. [a change made simply because I liked it better)
Entire paragraph rewrite (more next week):
10. And how do we know that is not exactly what they are doing? Isabelle demanded of the whisper inside her head that seemed determined to point out that initial impressions might well be flawed. But before she could be caught in a backwash of guilt for her stubborn determination to think the worst of Lord Ashton, she was enveloped in the chatter of the crowd in the Pump Room, settling Lady Blessington at table, while Lady Ashton swept off to begin her customary round of greeting friends and acquaintances, a select group that inevitably included Colonel Everard Sherbrooke.
And
how do we know that is not exactly what they are doing? Isabelle
demanded of the whisper inside her head that seemed determined to point
out that initial impressions might well be flawed. But any twinges of
guilt she might have felt over her stubborn determination to think the
worst of Lord Ashton were obliterated by the chatter of the crowd in the
Pump Room, plunging Isabelle back to their customary routine. She
settled Lady Blessington at a table, while Lady Ashton swept off to
begin her near-daily round of greeting friends and acquaintances—a
select group that inevitably included Colonel Everard Sherbrooke. [original paragraph too run-on, lacking clarity]
~ * ~
This week's featured book:
Although it seems likely she is being married for the magnificence
of her dowry, Jocelyn Hawley accepts an offer of marriage from a
Welshman. And quickly discovers she is as unprepared for marriage as she
is for her new family—a mother-in-law who insists on living in Wales'
Medieval past and a sister-in-law who seems to be trying to get rid of
her. Jocelyn is also plagued by the problem of her husband's mistress
and a series of disastrous incidents—some potentially lethal—that dog
her footsteps. As she grows more alienated from her husband, who barks
at her to "grow up," she finds herself the classic stranger in a strange
land. Where it appears someone is trying to kill her.
~ * ~
Thanks for stopping by,
Grace (Blair Bancroft)
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