Editing Examples

Next Mosaic Moments - June 15

(struggling with last chapters of The Abominable Major)

Three curly heads on the beach in Venice, Florida

Hailey - 2012

Then 

      &

         Now . . .

Hailey - 2019

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EDITING EXAMPLES

It's been awhile since I offered concrete examples of what I mean when I talk about editing—what I actually do when I sit down and go over my work, line by line. (As stated in previous blogs, my first two or three edits are done on hardcopy, because this is what works for me. Yes, it's more work to have to type in the scribbles I make on my peinted pages and on legal pad insertions, but I am convinced the changes I make to hardcopy are better than if I attempted to edit on screen. This is, of course, a matter of personal choice. Edit hardcopy, edit online—whatever works for you. Just as long as you DO IT!) 

One advantage of editing hardcopy is that I have a stack of pages with both original and revisions intact so that I can choose a few examples I feel will be most helpful. 😉

All examples are from my current work in progress, The Abominable Major, Book 6 in my Regency Warrior series.

Transitions can be tricky. So many times I find myself adding a few words, perhaps whole sentences to the beginning of a paragraph—because I was simply in too much of a rush the first time, leaping forward rather smoothing the way. Hopefully, the two versions below will demonstrate what I mean. The difference is small, but I felt those few words increased the impact of what I was trying to say.

Original:
   The clock ticked, measuring the moments of fraught silence. Coals crumbled, showering sparks as they tumbled through the grate. "Oddly enough . . ." Dasha steepled her hands before her face and offered in a far more deadly tone, "Oddly enough, your edict relates to what I was attempting to say to you."
   A shiver spiked up his spine. Swiftly Court reviewed the last few minutes. He'd been so intent on forbidding a return to 13 Bennett Street, he'd blunder his way into a crisis.

Revision:
   The clock ticked, measuring the moments of fraught silence. Coals crumbled, showering sparks as they tumbled through the grate. "Oddly enough . . ." Dasha steepled her hands before her face and offered in a far more deadly tone, "Oddly enough, your edict relates to what I was attempting to say to you." 
   Too late Court turned wary, a shiver spiking up his spine. Swiftly he reviewed the last few minutes. He'd been so intent on forbidding a return to 13 Bennett Street, he'd blunder his way into a crisis.

 *****

A bit farther down the same page, I have the hero respond with a single, decided "No!" But when I read it over, I realized this short response needed the "something more' every author must look for when editing, no matter how easy it might be to overlook something as simple as "No." With revision, the sentence read:

   "No!" The automatic protest of a gentleman, but of course she was right. Why else had he thought the scandal enough to obscure the sins of Prince Konstantin?

Grace note:  I also scribbled a note to myself to look up the word "automatic" in the Oxford English Dictionary, making sure it was in use during this period. (It was.)

****


 Editors often talk about "Less is more," but here's another example of "More" being clearer, more dramatic, of just a few additional words making your work better:

Original:
 "You cannot possibly mean what I think you mean." Cold. Disapproving. Not the slightest hint of interest. 


Revision:    
"You cannot possibly mean what I think you mean." Cold. Disapproving. Not the slightest hint of interest in what had cost her so much to say. 

****

Several pages later, my editing slowed to a halt. Oh no. I didn't, I hadn't . . . But I had. Not only had I not said what needed to be said, I'd fallen back on "Tell" mode, taken shortcuts, attempted to move ahead too fast. After considerable struggle, I ended up deleting the offending paragraph and replacing it with three lengthy insertions [c. five paragraphs over the next two pages (which I will not include)]. But here is the paragraph that made me groan and totally rewrite that section of the chapter. Hopefully, you will see why it needed to disappear forever.

   Rage built with every turn of the hackney's wheel from the Colonnade to Bennett Street. After a considerable battle between his sense of duty and his pride, Lord Halliwell had conceded that he owed the Countess Alexandrova an apology for his abrupt departure of the night before. Not only that, but his invitation to Lady Ormonde's musicale had arrived by special messenger, and he and Dasha must discuss the delicate matter of Dasha's return to society in great detail, lest they find themselves in worse case than they already were. Therefore, needs must when the devil rides.
 
****

Last example for this week—the importance of adding narrative color as well as clarity to your dialogue. I rewrote this revision even as I selected it as an example. In all, I probably went through four or five versions before I settled on the one below. (Which will likely be rewritten again the next time around, as I'm still not satisfied.) The problem? I showed her displeasure the first time around, but not enough. Not in comparison to what she'd suffered.

Original:  
   "I can be kidnapped, raped for hours on end," Dasha declared with some heat, "yet you can flaunt the law and all anyone sees is the Marquess of Halliwell, heir to a dukedom."

Revision:     
   The full force of the inequity of the situation burst over her. “When I was kidnapped and raped for hours on end, I was sure to be ruined, the subject of a great scandal,” Dasha declared with no little heat. “Yet the Marquess of Halliwell may flaunt the law—free a prisoner, declare a man dead—without so much as raising an eyebrow. And now you have accomplished your diversion without lifting a finger. I assure you, my lord, you put me in the shade. I sit here, a ghost at the feast.”

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My sole venture into early Steampunk - c. 1840

In a peek at an alternate history, General Lord Wellington has taken over the government and our heroine's marriage of convenience has just tumbled her into a hotbed of rebellion. Available from Amazon, Smashwords, & most other online vendors.

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For a link to Blair's Facebook Author page, 
with a whimsical Prequel to the Blue Moon Rising series,
click here.

For a link to Blair's website, click here. 

Thanks for stopping by,

Grace