Grace's Mosaic Moments


Saturday, August 23, 2014

Editing Examples, Part 1

St. Maarten's - everyone waiting for what you will see in the video below.

For a video of what it's like for a passenger jet to skim the top of your head,  click here.

For the same event from a different perspective, click here.

And if the videos didn't work . . .
  Heaven forbid any pilot should land short!


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EDITING EXAMPLES

 I carefully saved the originals of two full edits of The Mists of Moorhead Manor so I could offer some of the many revisions I made as examples of the huge variety of things we need to look for when editing our manuscripts. I have done many posts on grammar and spelling and won't be considering "copy edits" in this series. All the examples will be ways to make your writing better - more clear, more detailed, more colorful, more dramatic, etc. Hopefully, somewhere among the examples you'll find something that clicks, something that makes you sit up and say, "Oh wow, now I see!"

And no, I don't claim to be infallible. I'm sure there are even better ways to revise my originals. The whole point of this series will be to point the way, so you can look at what you've written, ask yourself, "How can I do better?" And then find a way to do exactly that.

Note:  The examples below are not in order of importance, merely in the order in which they turned up in the manuscript. As is my custom, the original is in black Times Roman, the revision in green.

1.   Too wordy or unnecessary - detracts from impact

My suspicions—for which I had absolutely no basis except his being at Moorhead at the time of all four deaths, as were nearly all other male residents of North Devon—still caused my skin to crawl.

My suspicions—for which I had absolutely no basis except his being at Moorhead at the time of all four deaths—still caused my skin to crawl.


 2.  More detail needed

 I brushed my hair, pinched the wan cheeks reflected in the pier glass, and finally levered myself to my feet.

After brushing the tangles out of my hair, I pinched the wan cheeks reflected in the pier glass, and finally levered myself to my feet. 


3.  Sharper, more colorful

 "Quite hopelessly. For my love is far more impossible than yours." 
Even  though I was quite certain I knew the answer, I asked the question anyway. "And does he love you?"
"He never speaks of it, but sometimes I see it in his eyes."


"Quite hopelessly. For my love is far more impossible than yours."
 "He adores you." As soon as the words popped out, I felt Lord Hycliffe's wrath scorching the back of my neck. 
"He never speaks of it," Vanessa admitted, "but sometimes I see it in his eyes." 


4.  More clarity, color & drama

"You mean because I am a cripple?"
I suppose I did, but I could scarcely say so. "Anyone can see David is not only devoted to you, he adores you. Surely that has to count for something."
"Clearly, you have lived too long out of the country."
What could I say? Had we fought the French so long that some of their egalitarian philosophies had seeped, willy-nilly, into our minds? I hung my head and was silent.
"He will never declare himself, will he?" Vanessa said, more a statement than a question.
"The customs of our society will not allow it."

"You mean because I am a cripple?"
"I mean," I returned carefully, knowing I was treading on thin ice, "that with a marquessate at stake, there can be no doubt about the possibility of heirs."
A shadow passed across her face, her blue eyes turned to ice. "Nor would I make a grand sight greeting guests at the top of the staircase."
"Forgive me, I should have kept my thoughts to myself."
"Clearly, you have lived too long out of the country. You are not as hidebound by our class system."
What could I say? Had those of us on the Peninsula fought the French so long that some of their egalitarian philosophies had seeped, willy-nilly, into our minds? I hung my head and was silent. David would never declare himself. The customs of our society would not allow it.


5.  Clarity ( Readers don't always see what is so clear in our minds - sometimes we have to spell things out.)
 
Huntley's eyes went wide. "But you let her hang on your sleeve the entire time they were here."

Huntley's eyes went wide. "But you let her hang on your sleeve the entire time they were here. 'Tis clear they expect an offer when they return."

 
 6.  Correcting Missing Information

Note: I realized I was not being true to my heroine's character when I did not have her persist in trying to find a certain smugglers' cave.


"I assumed you and Huntley and Kenrick must have found it a wondrous place to play when you were children."

"I assumed you and Huntley and Kenrick must have found it a wondrous place to play when you were children." I did not mention that I had returned to the folly twice, each time failing to find the opening into the cave.

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The "Editing Examples" series will be continued.
 

 Thanks for stopping by.

Grace

For Grace's website, listing all books as Blair Bancroft, click here.

For a brochure for Grace's editing service, Best Foot Forward, click here.

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