Editing Examples, Part 2

For today's bit of color I am posting a few nostalgic photos from a 2013 trip back to Connecticut, which I just got around to downloading from my Nikon, now that my new smartphone supposedly makes the Nikon obsolete. (But so far the Nikon photos are beating the Samsung by quite a bit. Sigh.)

Dwight Chapel on Yale's Old Campus - where I was married

Harkness Tower, Branford College, Yale University

My husband founded the Guild of Yale Carillonneurs back when Harkness Tower had only ten bells. Below is the original clavier (keyboard) with my husband's photo hanging beside it.

While in Harkness Tower, my daughter and I ran into one of the current carillonneurs and were delighted to discover the Guild is still thriving, playing a carillon which is now one of the largest in the world (54 bells). [During the creation of the 44 new bells, I had the opportunity to host Paul Taylor, whose company has been making bells in England for nearly 700 years, the Taylor family taking over in 1784! He autographed a well-worn copy of Dorothy Sayers' The Nine Tailors for me.] And now back to our regularly scheduled program . . .

Editing Examples, Part 2

Today's Mosaic Moments is a continuation of the Editing Examples series, introduced last week. Hopefully, somewhere among the samples you'll find clues to improving your own work. As before, the examples are not in any particular order of importance. Black type - the original, green - the revision, burnt orange - my comments.

1.  Too wordy. The extra words might paint a better picture of the scene, but the scene isn't that important and the extra words detract from the overall action - the hero's and heroine's eagerness to search for the smugglers' cave.

When the footman returned, he snatched up my cloak and put it around my shoulders himself, although he allowed the footman to help him into his many-caped coat. Meanwhile, Allard, his usually impassive butler's face revealing a hint of curiosity, handed Exmere a lantern.

When the footman returned, he snatched up my cloak and put it around my shoulders.  
(Mention of the lantern was unnecessary as it had been requested in a previous sentence.) 

2.  More colorful.

I buried my face in his chest, reluctant to say the words.

I buried my face in his chest, too appalled to say what I was thinking.

3.  More drama + "bringing the point home."
 
 I paused my climb, head down, and leaned against the wall. Robert was headed straight for his father. A certainty as chilling as any I'd had since my parents' deaths.

I paused my climb, head down, and leaned against the wall. Robert was headed straight for his father. A certainty as chilling as any I'd had since my parents' deaths. A confrontation so fraught with drama that my imagination balked. How did a son tell his father his wife had never left Moorhead Manor? That her skeletal remains lay in a cave not a hundred yards from the house.
How did a son say to his father, "Did you kill her? Did you kill them both?"
 
4. A better way to say it.  (Involves cutting, rearranging & adding more detail)

"This is scarcely a matter for dinner-table conversation," Exmere declared in his most repressive tones. "Though I must admit the concept of a mad hermit lurking on the moor has great appeal. I only wish I could believe it."
"Exmere," Lady Emmaline said, much shocked, "how can you say such a thing?"
"Because that means no one personally known to us is capable of murder."
To avoid any betraying glances, I kept my eyes fixed on my plate.
"No-o," Vanessa cried, you cannot mean it. Not one of us!"
"The deaths . . ."


"This is scarcely a matter for dinner-table conversation," Exmere declared in his most repressive tones. "Though I must admit the concept of a mad hermit lurking on the moor has great appeal. I only wish I could believe it."
To avoid any betraying glances, I kept my eyes fixed on my plate.
"I say, Rob!" Huntley protested.
"No-o," Vanessa cried, you cannot mean it. Not one of us!"
Robert glowered. Just when I thought he would refuse to respond to his sister, he said, albeit with considerable resignation, "The deaths . . .

5.  Incorrect information + More details needed

 There might have been a gap of more than four years between the deaths of Lady Hycliffe and Quenton Ridgeway (not at all what I meant to say), but the latest murders were more closely spaced. It was not the first time I had seen senseless murder. There had been an incident during one of those long idle winters in Portugal—I recalled overhearing Papa's words to Major Stinson: "Mark my words. There'll be another killing. The bastard's acquired a taste for it."

There might have been a gap of more than four years between the deaths in the cave and three dead girls, but the latest murders were more closely spaced. I recalled an incident during one of those long idle winters in Portugal. Over a period six weeks two camp followers had been found strangled. I had overheard Papa's words to Major Stinson: "Mark my words. There'll be another killing. The bastard's acquired a taste for it." And two weeks later, just as predicted, a third murder occurred."

6.  Better details.

 With my coiffure perfect, and the whole set against the sofa's glowing gold brocade, I was reasonably certain my appearance was pleasing to the eye.

With my coiffure perfect, my carriage erect, and my gown carefully displayed against the sofa's glowing gold brocade, I was reasonably certain my appearance was pleasing to the eye.

7. Expanding a scene for More Color, Better Detail

I had been crawling around the stone floor on my hands and knees, cautiously circling the pile of bones, and now I sat abruptly, blew out a whoosh of air, and attempted to accept the reality of what I found.
Murder.  With Lord Hycliffe the most likely suspect by far.

 After crawling around the stone floor on my hands knees, cautiously circling the pile of bones, I sat back on my heels, blew out a whoosh of air, and attempted to accept the reality of what I found.
Murder.  It had to be.
Unless the killer arranged the bodies after death . . . 
Thus proving it was murder.
Unlikely. As well as impossibly distasteful. I shuddered.
Why could I not be some fluttering idiot female without a thought in her head? A female who never questioned the vast superiority of the males of the species?
Ha! As if I really wished to be such a namby-pamby creature! The truth was, Lord Hycliffe was the most likely suspect.

8.  More Clarity, more emphasis on the danger.

I knew knowledge of this cave put me in danger, and yet I had come—

I had known simple knowledge of the existence of the cave put me in danger. Investigating its contents increased the risk tenfold. Yet I had come—

Summary.
Good revisions require you to accept the possible fallacy of what you actually wrote, as opposed to what you thought you were writing.  Good revisions require you to bury the ego that insists what you wrote was perfect on the first draft. That you never make mistakes in facts or clarity, descriptive color, or . . . whatever. Good revisions require ruthless cutting of the unnecessary, artful rearrangement of certain passages, and the addition of more details for color, clarity, and emotional impact. And yes, there are more examples to come.

~ * ~

The "Editing Examples" series will be continued.

 

 Thanks for stopping by.

Grace

For Grace's website, listing all books as Blair Bancroft, click here.

For a brochure for Grace's editing service, Best Foot Forward, click here.